Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
