last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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