mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
