I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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