It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
