What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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