the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Come share oat with me in your robe
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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