I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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