if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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