Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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