I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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