You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
