I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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