Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
