Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
