Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
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