you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
