dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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