So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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