the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
