if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
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he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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