I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
only you would photoshop your dick
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
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i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
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Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize