I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
