I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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