I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
