I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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