we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You are the jesus of drinking
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
