I must be too annoying 4 u.
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
