Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
