Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
