I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
