Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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