I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
