Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
