just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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