When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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