I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
