Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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