you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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