I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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