I wish I could punch you in the face.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
