Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
