ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
