Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
