Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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