I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
