just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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