i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
In America we eat man semen.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
