Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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