She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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