I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
