it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
