Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
