Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
