Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
