I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I stole a fireplace last night.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
