I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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