i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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