Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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