If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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