Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
