he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
