Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
