just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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